


not a kid anymore

by HelmetParty



Category: Supernatural
Genre: (I mean its kind of implied??? Basically any season b4 5 would work), Brother/Brother Incest, CLASSIC WINCEST FTW, Diary/Journal, Incest Kink, M/M, No Spoilers, Not Beta Read, Season/Series 02, Wincest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 06:50:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13875462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelmetParty/pseuds/HelmetParty
Summary: Sam finds Dean's journal.





	not a kid anymore

 It was a motel like any of the others. A dusty, damp, dirty place that cost less than they had in cash so it was no issue. Dean put their names in as something he probably made up on spot, as per usual, and the woman at the counter didn't ask questions. They were only going to stay the night, and it beat sleeping in the car again, so anything was appreciated. And for 50$ per night, who can complain?

 They were off to another job the next day anyway. Best to enjoy it while they could, the rest.

 "Hey," Dean says, in his bed, flipping through the channels. The clock ticked eight at night. "I'm gonna go grab some grub. I'll be back."

 Sam, laying in bed, reading a book on his lap looks up and nods. Dean picks up his coat and is out the door in a moment.

 Although he was tired and ready for bed already, he didn't want to sleep until Dean came back. It was more of a pet peeve than anything, he wanted to know Dean was safe before he slept. Not like he expected anything to happen, and hell, Dean could fight off anything on hell or Earth. But after the recent hunt, he was more than willing to not let his guard down; at least until they left the town. Vampires could be anywhere, and a few got away before they could destroy the nest.

 Sam sets the book down on the table beside the bed and sighs. He glances around the room, nothing else on his mind to do for once; he hadn't slept much the past few days, even for their sleep standards. (Six hours was a blessing, but lately, It's been less.) Glancing around the room, his eyes go to Dean's bed; a knife under the pillow, which poked its head out. Typical. The comforters we're messy, there was his duffel bag on the ground next to it, and...dad's journal?

 No, the journal was way too new to be dads. Way too thin, too. Sam, always respecting others' privacy, suddenly has an impulsive feeling.

 It had to be Deans. There's nothing else it _could_ be. 

  _Look through it_ , his mind told him. Dean was gone, and hell, he never opens up; this could be his one and only chance to see what his brother is really feeling, a glimpse into the tryhard enigma that was his older brother. 

 It was almost instantaneous how he went from being tired to excited. Sam jumps from the motel bed with a loud creak and walks over to the journal Dean thought was out of sight. It was almost hidden under the pillow, but the end stuck out just a bit. As soon as he takes it out of under the pillow, Sam feels a pang of guilt and betrayal. This wasn't his, and clearly, Dean didn't want him to see it. He debates in his mind of the right thing to do here; and, well, decides that this is a one in a lifetime chance. Dean wouldn't be gone for too long, maybe ten more minutes at most. He had to make the decision now. 

 Sam sighs to himself and sits down on the wobbly bed, and with a huff, opens the journal.

 Not much is written in it, however, he realizes Dean has had this for almost a year now - and Sam didn't even notice. Most of the pages are just information on hunts, girls' numbers, and even some conversations between the both of them. But one idea keeps repeating - something about not letting Sam know. "Know what," Sam mutters out loud to himself. They've been together non-stop for so long now, what could Sam possibly not know?

 Then, as the pages get newer and newer, he suddenly realizes what he didn't know. 

 ' _We're brothers_ ,' one page says, only from a few days ago. ' _I shouldn't get hot when I see him like that. He would be fucking disgusted to know his brother was thinking of him like that.'_

The pages following go into somewhat detail; and, although Sam isn't exactly shocked, he is...well, surprised.

 It's not like he hasn't noticed. He could tell something was up.

 A car door closes and Sam's heart races; he puts the journal back under the pillow, this time so it covers it completely. He jumps back into his bed and grabs the book, and begins to pretend like he was reading just before Dean enters.

 The creak of the bed is still audible when Dean comes in. He sets the food down on the tiny table. "Best burger place in Erie," he jokes, "And that doesn't say much, but hey, It's better than McDonald's again." 

 Sam sweats a bit and tries to avoid Dean's eyes. He says nothing, and Dean is immediately suspicious. 

 "Say, pal, how's that book?" he asks, standing at the end of the beds with his usual 'what the fuck, man' stare. 

 "Um, good?" Sam says, looking up. 

 "Really? I didn't know you could read upside down."

 Sam freezes, and really looks at the book this time only to realize it's backward and the wrong way. 

 Well, shit.

 Dean steps over to Sam's bed and crosses his arms. "What the _hell_ were you doing?" 

 Sam was caught. He either tells the truth, and Dean gets angry and everything becomes awkward, or he lies, and things still become awkward because Dean always _knew_ when Sam was lying. He ponders for a moment, his teeth grinding against one another before he stands up.

 "Listen, Dean," he begins. "You can't get mad at me, alright?"

 "That depends."

 That unsettles Sam, but he can't lie here.

 "I thought I saw dads journal on your bed." He stops there and waits for Dean to say something. Nothing comes. Dean's eyes pang with fear, and even though his face is still neutral, Sam can tell he's afraid.

 "I looked through it."

 Silence. A dead silence fills the air, the only thing audible is the traffic from the road and the whirr of the air conditioner. 

 "You. Looked through it, huh?" Dean says, defensively. "What the **hell** , Sam?" Sam steps forward. "Listen, I didn't know what was in there. I shouldn't have gone through your personal things, alright, but-"

 In one second, Dean has Sam pinned against the thin, ugly walls of the motel. Honestly, for once he didn't expect Dean to react like this. For a second, Dean says nothing, but he looks so angry, so attacked, so vulnerable. 

 "D-dean..." Sam mutters. He doesn't know what else to say. 

Dean almost starts to cry, it looks like. "Now you know, huh?" he mutters, his voice low and quiet. "Now you know."

 Sam looks into his brothers' eyes and can't think of a single thing to say. No words, he thought, we're applicable here. There was nothing, so instead, Sam leans in and places his lips on Dean's.

 Dean, obviously unexpecting of such an action, steps back.

 He looks at his brother with alarm; with panic. His expression normalizes, and instead of saying anything, he exists the motel in one swift motion.

 Sam is left, still on the wall. He touches his lips and thinks about what he's just done. Done not only to himself but to Dean as well.

 It takes a moment but Sam works up the courage to go outside as well.

 Dean is sitting in one of the chairs the motel provides, smoking a cigarette. He is looking away from Sam and pretends like he's not there.

 "Dean," he says, quietly. "You stopped smoking years ago."

 There is no response for a few moments.

 "I know."

 Sam thinks of what to say as he sighs and puts his back to the motel. He looks up to the sky, and the stars glow above them. 

 "I want this" Sam speaks, his voice firm. "I want you. I want us."

 Dean hesitates but looks over to his brother. 

 "What?"

 Dean stands up, crushing his cigarette underneath his shoes.

 "I want us."

 Dean looks shocked.

 "No."

 Dean goes to head into the room again, but Sam stops him. "I'm not a kid anymore, Dean. I know what I want, and I know you want it too."

 He knocks Sam's hands from him and goes into the motel room. "You don't want this, and I'm not giving it to you." Sam is going to say something, but Dean continues while packing his things. "I have fucked you up before, but I refuse to do this to you. You don't know what you're saying."

 Sam lags behind his brother, upset. "I'm not a kid anymore, Dean! I can make decisions for myself!"

 Dean stops what he's doing to turn to look at Sam.

 "No. You do not want to do this, I know you don't."

 "How would you know?" Sam says, stepping closer to his brother. "I don't keep a _diary_ , but I know what I feel."

 Dean keeps backing away from Sam until he falls onto the bed. Sam, taking a leap of faith, doesn't stop, and is on top of Dean in a second.

 Dean's face goes red. Sam leans down, their breathing in par, and lays a kiss on his lips. Dean kisses back this time.

 "I know what I want," Sam repeats. "And I know what you want."

 "You can't come back from this," Dean says, his voice low.

 "I don't care."

x x x

**Author's Note:**

> final--pam on tumblr, pls hmu i need wincest friends ;o; next i gotta do reylo, and then moicy (sigh) ~ but after that??? bitch ill write a 100k wincest fic dont test me


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